Brisk Pepper (briskpepper) wrote,
Brisk Pepper

Friday gift.

This Deception Electric
For the past few months I've been experiencing an abnormally high level of Electric Discharge. Not on the Senator Palpatine level, but pretty freaking close. It's mostly been tolerable, but recently I've had a rash of bad experiences with it.

By far the worst instances involved my iPhone which, for the record, is encased in rubber. About once per day, when I go to pick up my iPhone, I receive an electric shock painful enough to make me drop it. On one specific occasion, the shock was so intense, my arm went numb from pain up to my elbow.

At first, I thought jokingly about the old behavioral control techniques involving shocking rats in mazes. It was amusing, if not a bit paranoid and I soon began to suspect foul play. I realized that my iPhone had transformed into some kind of human-hating Death Machine hell-bent on destroying humanity one mac user at a time, something I would otherwise be on board with. I can only assume the switch from "loving, silly, ironic know-it-all phone" to "hate-mongering hell-beast" was made when I sent it in for "repairs." Amateur.

Every time i picked it up an electric shock coursed through my hand, indicating that the devious device summoned Cthulhu, or "Steve Jobs" as he likes to be called, from the abyss to torture me in some kind of sick, abstract Tesla/Nyarlothotep prison, apparently giving me some new form of sight no one else seems to posses.

I know what you're thinking. "Steve Jobs could NEVER be Cthulhu."

Clark Kent or Superman?
Take, for example, Lois Lane's amazing inability to recognize Clark Kent as Superman when he was wearing those trashy Buddy Holly glasses. Superman could be in mid conversation with Lois, in some tandem-sex-flight over the Alps, dressed in full crime-fighting-regalia and if he put those glasses on the next words out of her mouth would be "Oh hi, Kent. You just missed him." I mean come on, people. Did they even have lenses?


Clearly identical.

Steve Jobs or Cthulhu?
In similar form, The Old One has appeared many times in public, seemingly without detection. You'd think we would have been more aware, with the surfacing of items like the iCthulhu or Cthulhu-Santa or Creepy Shit People Do To Their Kids. I think the evidence speaks for itself:


Right now, everyone reading is thinking "You're wrong. These guys look nothing alike." Of course not, his true identity is obfuscated by the best possible disguise known to man: Ugly glasses. Ugly glasses, made even more opaque by parting his strangely masculine hair differently. If Cthulhu had glasses and parted to the left, these would be virtually identical, right down to the AppleStore he's crawling out of. Think I'm lying? Take another look.

Other deception you're probably not aware of:

Halle Berry:

Ayn Rand:
The Satan we all know eats babies, destroys civilizations, starts wars, writes catchy, though meaningful pop songs, bitch-slaps the supremely un-bitch-slappable and finishes his long arduous day of bad-ass killing and raping by popping out his heat-resistant contact lenses and transforming into something far worse. Ayn "Fucking" Rand.

Tags: humor, tao of awesome,
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